I usually keep my phone with the ringer on because I regularly lose it. If the ringer is off, my home range is too big for me to hear it vibrate at random. If I left it in the office, and I’m in the kitchen, there’s no way I will hear it. Today I accidentally had the ringer off, set it down, and wandered off to do something I didn’t need to do. Then something else. Then I made a list to try to get myself organized for the week. I have big milestones to plan for! We take our oldest to college next week! My parents turned 70 last month and their 50th wedding anniversary is in October and we’re having a family party in September I need to plan for! The neighbor’s granddaughter is getting married this week and she needs my flowers! I’m getting another crown this week. I haven’t slept more than 40 hours in the past 3 months. What should I make for dinner tonight?

Why am I writing this?

Oh, right. My phone… I put it somewhere. By the time I found said phone, I was 30 minutes late for a doctor’s appointment that was CLEARLY on my calendar. And my calendar made the fun chimey vibration noise it makes 30 minutes before I have to be somewhere… but I was nowhere near my phone when it notified me it was time to go.

A couple weeks ago, I left the house. Three blocks later at a stop sign, I was like “where am I going?”  I had to pull over and wait until I remembered.

I regularly forget to take my medications, despite them being laid out for me in a nice “morning” and “night” pill box.

I said I’d call you back? When? Sorry. 

People ask me, “is that the chemo brain?” and I’d love to say “yes!” but I’m not really sure? My final chemotherapy treatment was the very last day of February and it’s August— shouldn’t I be recovered by now? The rehab doctor says “no” because I had 6 weeks of daily radiation AFTER chemo, which is apparently metabolically expensive and exhausting, so my brain hasn’t been getting what it needs to recover. A month after radiation, I started anti-hormone therapy shots that shutter my estrogen system, further debilitating my brain, heart, and basically all the other tissues in my body that need estrogen to function at optimal health. Which is, surprisingly, MOST of them.

The “care team” (all the doctors currently caring for me) would like to add another anti-hormone (cancer prevention) drug to the mix, but I have to start sleeping regularly first. Which I haven’t done since… hmmm. Some time ago.

Dori from Finding Nemo is my spirit animal.   

I have a list of thank you notes to write for various things from the past two or three months. I have absolutely failed to write down WHAT I am thanking them for. I just have a list titled “thank yous” with names.

Is it better to forgo the note if I can’t be specific? Or is it okay to say “look, I am so grateful! Really! Except my brain misplaced my why… but I’m feeling really warm toward you still!”

I think our culture has become a bit coarse as of late. Perhaps people are rebelling against all the shoulds– should be polite, should write thank you notes, should build a democratic nation under God using only heteronormative misogynistic policies to guide our way. I don’t blame folks for pushing back on the have-tos. But maybe instead of throwing ALL our social graces out the window, we can just dump them out on the table like a junk drawer, and sort through and keep the ones that are still useful? The ones that build connection and community, and the ones that feel genuine to act on?

Like expressing gratitude. Even if I can’t quite put my finger on what it was for.